Family Matters - Home of the Winslows and Steve Urkel

Last Chapter

SATURDAY ARRIVED all too soon. And along with it a larger than average crowd at the doors of Silver's Gym. They were there to see the celebrated bout: Urkel versus Fuffner. The entire Winslow family had come to watch. Mother Winslow led the way, carrying her knitting bag. "Because I'd just as soon not watch," she said.

Rachel was there, with little Richie, who was wearing a pair of kid-sized boxing gloves. "I want to be just like Steve," he said. "I don't think that's such a good idea," said Eddie, "considering the odds against him." Some of Eddie's high school friends had shown up, just for the fun of watching Fuffner pound Urkel into the mat like a tent peg.

Laura held tight to her mother's hand. Being afraid for Steve had given her a bad case of the jitters. "Don't you worry," Harriette told her daughter. "Everything's going to be fine." Then she added, under her breath, to her sister, "I only wish I believed that." "I know what you mean," Rachel murmured, eyeing the empty ring. "It all looks so ... official."

Since the Winslow family had arrived early, they got the best seats in the bleachers. Carl had come even earlier to help Steve warm up. Naturally, he was going to serve as Steve's corner man during the fight. Lots of kids from school had come, too - including Greg Hudson. He couldn't resist saying hi to Laura as he passed her in the bleachers. Laura returned his greeting sullenly.

"You okay?" Greg asked. "No, I'm not," she burst out. "It really bugs me that Steve is the only guy with enough guts to stand up to Willie." Embarrassed, Greg hung his head and slunk off to find a seat. Just then, the locker-room door banged open and Willie Fuffner pranced out. The crowd gasped. Willie looked frightening in his boxing trunks and headgear. Everyone felt sorry for Steve.

Willie raised his gloves over his head in a champion's salute to the crowd. They responded with boos, hisses, and jeers. Willie thumbed his nose at them. Then Steve came out. The words "Iron Man Urkel" were stitched on the back of his flashy green robe in bright red letters. He turned around to receive the crowd's applause.

Carl held the ropes so Steve could climb into the ring. Steve, trying to look cool, nodded his thanks to Carl. But then ... boing!... smash! He dived nosefirst onto the mat - just as he had at practice. People laughed, thinking this was part of the show. With as much dignity as possible, he picked himself up off the mat, rubbed his nose, and went to his corner. There he removed his robe, revealing trunks that were pulled up to his armpits - in the usual Urkel fashion. A few people in the crowd snickered unkindly. Steve took off his glasses. Carl handed him a rubber mouthpiece to protect his teeth from Willie's punches. Steve tried not to think about Willie's punches. He repeated the words "Lean, Mean Urkel Machine" over and over to himself.

Meanwhile, up in the stands, Mother Winslow nudged Rachel, who sat next to her. "Steve sure looked like a real pro in the robe we made him," she said. Rachel nodded. "He was really touched when I gave it to him." Then she added with a grin, "He wants to be buried in it after the fight." Mother Winslow frowned. She didn't see what was so funny. That foolish, brave little boy had gotten himself into a heap of trouble this time. But there was no time to fret. The first round was about to start.

Coach Redding stepped into the ring, and the buzzing crowd quieted down. "Ladies and gentlemen," he addressed them. "What we have here is a three-round grudge match. In this corner, weighing in at one hundred and forty-two pounds, 'Hurricane' Willie Fuffner." The boos were thunderous. Willie stood up, and Waldo removed his footstool.

"And in this corner," the coach said over the boos, "at ninety-seven pounds soaking wet, Steve 'Iron Man' Urkel!" The crowd cheered wildly. Carl removed Steve's footstool, but Steve was too involved with the crowd to notice. He backed up to sit down, but - splat! - he landed sprawled on the mat. Laughter mixed with the cheers. Hastily, Steve got to his feet and brushed off the seat of his trunks.

Coach Redding frowned at all the nonsense. Boxing was serious business. "All right, gentlemen," he said solemnly. "You hear the bell, you come to the center of the ring, you touch gloves, you begin fighting. You got that?" Willie and Steve nodded.

Bong. Willie strolled toward the center of the ring. Steve rushed at him. Willie held up his gloves for the touch. Steve crashed into them and fell to the mat. Up in the stands, Mother Winslow commented to Rachel, "He lasted longer than I thought." The coach stood over Steve and began the count:

"One....two..." Steve shook his head, then jumped to his feet. The coach said, "Start fighting!" Willie came at Steve punching. Steve ducked. "Steve! Steve!" Carl called out. He waved his hands. He stomped on the mat. He tried everything short of standing on his head and whistling "Dixie" to get Steve's attention.

"Not now, Carl," Steve told him, as he ducked punches. "I'm a little busy." "Remember the Urkel Shuffle," Carl urged him. "Stay away!" Now Steve remembered! Instantly, he pranced out of Willie's range, using his fanciest footwork.

Willie had to run to keep up as Steve danced away from him. First clockwise, then counterclockwise, Steve moved in neat circles. For the longest time, Willie couldn't get close enough to land a single punch on his opponent. Steve grinned. Willie was beginning to look tired. Steve was feeling good. He was even feeling cocky enough to wave to Laura in the bleachers. This was kind of fun!

Then Willie caught on to Steve's strategy. As Steve completed one of his circles, Willie was waiting for him with a cocked fist. Womp ... crunch ... boom! Steve sank into the mat. "One ... two ... three ... four ..." Coach Redding stood over him, counting.

Once more, Steve managed to come to his senses and get to his feet. Only this time, his legs were a little rubbery. He went for the safety of his corner. Frantically, Carl waved him back toward Willie. "Keep fighting, son. The round's not over yet!"

Steve nodded wearily and turned back toward the center of the ring. "Shuffle!" Carl called out to him. But every time Steve tried his Shuffle, he wobbled and sank to his knees. "I can't!" he called back pitifully. "He broke my Shuffle."

"Steve," Carl said, "I think we should throw in the towel." "No way!" Steve squeaked. "If I can just hit him once, with all my might, I'll drop him like a bad habit." Just then Fuffner sneaked up on him. "Come on, fight," he sneered.

Steve turned and Willie hit him hard on the chin. Steve's eyes crossed and he went down again. "One... two ... three ... four ... five..." As Coach Redding counted, Steve struggled to rise. At six, he made it to his feet. Again, he staggered toward the ropes.

Laura couldn't stand it another minute. She jumped up from the bleachers and ran to the ringside. "Laura?" Steve peered out at her blearily. "Why, there's three of you. Oh, the world doesn't deserve such riches!" he croaked blissfully. "Steve," Laura begged, practically in tears. This was all her fault. "Stop getting back up," she said. "Just stay down." But Steve wasn't going to do that because this wasn't about giving up. This was about fighting for a principle. For honor. For the love of Laura. "Don't worry, my little kumquat."

Steve lunged away from the ropes to where Willie was waiting for him. Actually, there seemed to be four Willies. And all four of them punched Steve - hard. He crurnpled to the mat. Again Coach Redding began the count. "One...two...three..." "Steve, stay down," Carl told him. "...four...five..."

"Steve, please stay down," Laura pleaded. "What did you say?" Steve asked. "Stay down," she said. "What did you say?" Steve repeated. Everyone in the bleachers shouted together, "SHE SAID 'STAY DOWN'!"

But Steve just couldn't do that. With a mighty heave, Iron Man got to his feet just before the coach got to ten. He swayed against the ropes. Iron Man? He was more like Jello Man at this point.

"All right, Fuffner!" he called out, fearless as ever. "Quit stalling. Where are you, huh? Now take that ... and a little of that..." Like a drowning man, he flailed about, punching thin air. Everybody in the gym was positive he was about to go down for the last time.

Willie pranced over and got ready to deliver the knockout punch. Suddenly, someone in the bleachers shouted, "Hold it!" All eyes turned to Greg Hudson.

"Hey, Willie!" Greg said. "I'm tired of you pushing us around. If Urkel can stand up to you, so can I. So after you finish him, you're going to have to fight me!"

"After?" Steve said weakly. He was feeling quite finished already, thank you very much. Another boy stood up. "And then me," he said. Still another stood up. "And me." But Willie wasn't scared. "Come on!" he sneered. "I can take you all on!"

Just then, more boys rose to their feet, too. Fists clenched, they expressed their willingness to take on the bully. Willie counted heads. He would have to fight more than a dozen guys. And there were probably more waiting in line. There was no way he could handle those odds. Waldo spoke up. "Uh, what you gonna do now, Willie?"

It didn't take Willie more than a quarter of a second to reach a decision. "Run!" he replied. And run he did. Out of the ring and straight toward the locker room.

Waldo looked around. His eyes widened as he saw dozens and dozens of unfriendly faces. "Me, too, Willie!" he cried. "Wait up!" And Waldo, too, ran away.

"Ladies and gentlemen," Coach Redding declared, "the fight's over!" On cue, Steve keeled over onto the mat. Carl, who had been standing off to the side, came over and pulled Steve to his feet. He sponged off Steve's face with cold water.

Laura climbed into the ring. "Steve, are you okay?" she asked tenderly. "I seem to be all right," Steve muttered vaguely.

Carl unlaced Steve's gloves and pulled them off. Steve stared at his bare hands. "I don't seem to be seeing things or experiencing any other signs of concussion."

Laura grinned. "That's my Steve, the doctor's son." Greg joined them. "Hey, Laura, if you still want me to go to the dance with you, I'd like to." "Thanks, Greg," Laura told him. "But I've decided to go with my champion." She turned back to Steve. "Steve, will you go to the Sadie Hawkins Day Dance with me?"

Steve's head reeled. He held it in both hands. "Oh, no! I was wrong. I may not be seeing things, but I sure am hearing them!" Everybody laughed.

Carl held up Steve's limp arm. "Ladies and gentlemen, the winner by a principle - Steve Urkel!" The crowd roared its approval.