Family Matters - Home of the Winslows and Steve Urkel

FOUR

AT SCHOOL the next afternoon, Willie Fuffner, the school bully, was up to his usual nasty tricks. He strolled along, passing lockers on both sides of the hall, until he reached Steve Urkel's locker. There he came to a dead stop.

"Hey, watcha gonna do, Willie?" his not-too-bright sidekick Waldo wondered dully. Waldo was an all-around yes-man. Willie just grinned in an evil sort of way. "I'm gonna trash Urkel's locker," he said.

Waldo blinked. "Why you gonna do that, Willie?" "'Cause it's Tuesday," Willie answered. Waldo blinked. "Again?"

Willie took a huge screwdriver out of his pocket and began to pry open Urkel's locker. The second it opened, a siren went off. It echoed up and down the hall, louder than a car alarm in a parking garage. Some kids just getting out of class stared at Willie.

Quickly, Willie put the screwdriver into Waldo's hand. He then went over to his own locker. Trying to look busy and innocent, he began to work the combination. It was obvious that he had no idea what the numbers were. And looking innocent was one thing Willie Fuffner just couldn't do.

Meanwhile, as soon as the alarm had gone off, Steve Urkel came running down the hall as fast as he could. He could have moved faster if he hadn't been carrying half a dozen extremely heavy textbooks. He set the books down. Then he reached into the locker and expertly deactivated the alarm. Silence at last!

Then he looked around for the culprit. He didn't have to look far, since Willie's locker was only a few lockers away from his own. Steve walked right up to Willie and tapped him on the shoulder. "All right, come clean, Fuffner. I know you're the guilty party," Steve challenged him fearlessly. Willie turned around and grinned. "Not me, Potato Face."

"Potato Face?" Urkel repeated thoughtfully. "Brilliant use of the English language." He turned and addressed the crowd of students that had gathered to watch. "Fellow students, I beg of you. Isn't there one of you with the guts to come forth and testify against this brute?"

No one said a word. The students just stood there staring up at Willie. Without blinking, Willie returned their gazes. Suddenly, everybody seemed to have to get to classes on the other side of the building. It was common knowledge that Willie Fuffner was the toughest kid in school. Satisfied with himself, Willie headed over to the drinking fountain.

Seeing the scattering students made Steve shake his head in disgust. "Sheep! You're all sheep," he said. He returned to his locker and inspected it for damage. Just some bent metal around the lock, which could be easily fixed. Fortunately, the rest of the locker was in perfect shape. It was a good thing too, for Steve Urkel's locker was no mere locker.

Not only was it the single neatest locker in the entire school. It was the most organized and the best-furnished one, too. He had designed it to suit his special needs. It had built-in bookshelves and a pegboard to hold his school supplies. On the back of the door, he had even hung an 8"x 10" glossy photograph of his lady love, Laura Winslow. His locker was a regular home away from home.

He was staring at the photograph of Laura in adoration when the real Laura Winslow came walking down the hall. Laura stopped at her locker, swiveled the dial on her combination lock, and opened it.

Steve recognized the sound of her locker door - a much sweeter sound than the other locker doors - and turned around. "Hi, Laura," he called over to her. He then turned back to the photograph and blew a secret kiss to her image. But Laura had scarcely heard his greeting. She was too busy looking past him - at Greg Hudson, who had just arrived at his own locker only a few feet away. She gathered up some courage and approached him.

"Oh, Greg?" she said shyly. Up close, he looked even more handsome than usual. Asking him out wasn't going to be easy. What if he said no? "Hi, Laura," he answered. "Hi," she said. "Hi," he said. "Enough of this small talk," she blurted out. "Would you like to go with me to the Sadie Hawkins Day Dance?"

Greg smiled. He seemed about to say yes. Then he caught sight of Willie, who was pulling posters off the bulletin board. Greg's smile faded. "I ... I can't Laura," he stammered. "I mean, I'd like to, but - " "You don't have to explain." She backed away. Her cheeks were burning. How humiliating! "I understand," she said stiffly.

She turned and walked back to her locker. Like a robot, she removed her coat, got her books, slammed her locker shut, and walked down the hall with what was left of her dignity. Never, ever again would she invite any boy anywhere!

"No!" Greg called after her lamely. "You don't understand." Steve, who had been putting on his coat, had witnessed the entire drama. He had seen it but he didn't believe it! He adjusted the clips on his mittens and attached a mitten to each coat sleeve. Then he put on his mittens and stepped boldly up to Greg. "Good grief, man! Have you just taken leave of your senses? You were just asked out by the most wonderful woman in the world."

Greg leaned closer. "Would you keep your voice down?" he whispered. "Believe me, I'd like to go with Laura, but Willie won't let me." Steve's eyes narrowed. "Fuffner? The Locker Looter?" Greg nodded solemnly. "Fuffner told Laura he wanted her to ask him to the dance. She said no and that Sadie Hawkins Day meant lady's choice and her choice was not Willie."

"That's my spirited spitfire!" Steve said proudly. Greg gave Steve a strange look. Why in the world did he talk like that? "Yeah, well," said Greg, "Willie's getting back at her. He put out the word that any guy who goes to the dance with Laura will end up breathing through his ears."

"Ah!" Steve stroked his chin. "So he wants her to go to the dance alone?" "Worse," Greg answered. "He wants her to go with you." Steve was outraged. "Why, the swine!" He wanted to go to the dance with Laura, but not like this. He knew only one thing: Willie Fuffner was terrorizing his true love, and that meant war!

He unzipped his coat, which was a struggle since he was wearing his clip-on mittens. Then he strode over to Willie. There was only one way to solve a dispute like this: man to man. Steve lifted his hand and prepared to tap Willie on the shoulder. From close-up, that shoulder looked large and extremely muscular. For a split second, it occurred to Steve that challenging Willie Fuffner was perhaps not a very wise thing to do. He would probably get pounded. But that would be a small price to pay for Laura's honor. He took a deep breath and tapped Willie on the shoulder with all his might.

Willie whirled around, fists raised, ready to fight. But when he saw it was Steve, he just laughed. Waldo, who'd been standing on the sidelines, laughed when he saw Willie laugh. "If it isn't Mighty Mouse!" Willie jeered. "I have heard some low things in my time," Steve said. "But forcing Laura to go to the dance with me ... well, that's just plain despicable." Willie took it as a compliment. "Thank you," he said.

Steve pulled off his mitten. "Sir, I will have you know that it is people such as yourself who put the 'ick' in pathetic. Not only have you harassed and insulted me, but you have sullied the reputation of my lady love..." Before Willie could figure out what all those big words meant, Steve slapped him clean across the face with his mitten. Willie was too amazed to do much of anything at first. Then he started to sputter. "He ... he hit me ... with his mitten!" he said to Waldo, and to anyone else who would listen. A crowd had gathered, hoping for a fight.

Waldo nodded. "Be careful. He's got another one." Willie grabbed Urkel's mittens and pulled them out by the elastic bands. Then he snapped them back hard. "Urkel, you are dead meat!" "And you," Steve returned calmly, "are brain dead."

It took two guys to hold Willie back and keep him from punching Steve. Steve hid behind the two tallest eleventh-graders he could find. As he crouched down low, he held up his fists. "Hold me back! Hold me back!" he cried, punching air. Other kids were urging the boys on. "Fight, fight!" they chanted.

Coach Redding heard the ruckus from down the hall in his office and came to break it up. He held Willie by the scruff of his neck in one hand; Steve in the other. "You two wanna take a little trip to the principal's office?" he asked. "No, sir!" Steve declared. Going to the principal's office would damage his record as an honor student. Besides, the principal scared the living daylights out of him. "I only wish to give this philistine the punishment he so richly deserves," he said.

Willie sputtered some more. "What did he call me?" Waldo shrugged. "Phyllis somebody, it sounded like to me." Willie struggled to free himself from the coach's grip. "Nobody calls me Phyllis and lives to tell." "Let him go," Steve said to the coach, knowing full well the coach would do no such thing. "He's mine!"

"So I take it this is a fight you both want to finish?" Coach Redding asked. Willie nodded firmly; Steve less firmly. "Yeah," said Willie. Steve pointed at Willie. "I want you. I want you. I want you." "Noon, Saturday, Silver's Gym. In the ring with proper supervision," the coach told them. Then he released them both. "I'll be there, Coach," Willie said. "But l got ten bucks says Urkel won't even show."

"Oh, I'll be there, all right, Fuffner," Steve assured him, He gathered up his load of books, shut his locker, and headed down the hall. "1'll be there with bells on," he called over his shoulder. Waldo turned to Willie and looked puzzled. "You really think he'll wear bells?"

continue with part five